Jon Stewart should hire me.

I don't know if I have a crush on the man or just want to work for him. (My link to "The Daily Show" site at right should count for something...) But we need more people who can be incredibly smart and yet self-deprecating and funny simultaneously. And do all that stuff while on TV, which is sorely lacking in simultaneously funny, smart, self-deprecating types (yet another reason TV in general should hire me, that and I need a new job soon since I'm typing blog entries and fantasizing about writing for TV while I should be hammering out a press release that makes my organization sound way better than it is.)

An interview with The Jon is here. Read it, but I've got first dibs on the next opening at "The Daily Show."

Things Kerry Should Bring Up in Tonight's Debate but Won't.

The reason Kerry's message gets mixed is because he has so much potential fodder against George W. and his messed-up neocon army that he doesn't know what to use first.

I'm afraid for my man Kerry at tonight's debates. He hasn't mastered the say-nothing platitudes that the Bush administration so effectively uses to woo a great deal of the American populace who just want to get back to watching "Fear Factor. "Kerry needs to come out swinging his wind-surfing toned arms and say, "Hey, you can claim to fight terror all you want, but you royally screwed up on September 11." I mean, they had warning in the form of a "historic" memo distributed not long before Osama bin Laden -- who, according to the memo, was "determined to attack inside the United States -- and his forces waged murder on thousands before our very eyes. Kerry could say a billion things about broken promises, squelching of people's First Amendment rights, shitting all over our environment and cowtowing to the rich and the rabid Christian Right. We could vote to impeach Bill Clinton over lying about a blow job but we can't even get enough votes to shout a collective "You're Fired!" at a guy who lied and misled and fearmongered to send thousands of troops to go die and kill innocents in a war that should have never been.

So John Kerry, go here. McSweeney's has made it easy to come up with succinct daily evils of Bush & Co. that effectively convey the myriad reasons these Teflon-coated psychotic clowns need to go.

Oh, and buy this book while you're there.

Hey, Mac! Britney can't stay married Furlong

Britney Spears got married. That crazy bitch. Five minute ceremony, intimate locale and a tiara instead of a trucker hat. It's a proud day for the sanctity of marriage. Yes, if gay couples were allowed to tie the knot, they'd certainly destroy the very thread that runs through this hallowed sacrament.

Too bad Edward Furlong wasn't invited: He was arrested Sept. 15 for allegedly attempting to lift lobsters from a tank at a Kentucky Meijer store. Furlong was reportedly very drunk, which made both the lobsters and hanging out in Kentucky seem like good ideas. But if he'd read his invite to fellow child star Britney's wedding carefully, he would have known that crab cakes were have been available in abundance. I guess those Terminator 2 residuals aren't as good as one would be led to believe.

Macaulay Culkin also was arrested last week, on Sept. 17. Pulled over for speeding on an Oklahoma City highway, Mac was found with 17.3 grams of marijuana and prescription drugs minus the prescriptions.

Three once-promising -- or at least wildly rich -- child stars cut down in their prime. Okay, post-prime.

And now .... a haiku. (Because when I began writing this entry, I truly believed I'd come up with an inventive and clever way to tie these three together but then I began a self-flagellation process because I'm writing about celebrities instead of things that truly matter like former cokeheads who became president...)

Britney and Kevin
hitched; Macaulay and Ed nailed.
I fear for Hanson.

MmmBop and I'm out...